Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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