i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
