It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
