Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
