Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
