ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
