I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
