I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
