cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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