I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
