Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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