Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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