the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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