can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
