nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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