im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
