Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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