In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
