Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
