So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
