SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
