I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
