if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
