I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
