On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
