There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
