Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
