she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
