If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
