I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
