please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
We smell like vodka and hangover
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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