You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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