Kareoke will never be a sober sport
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
