I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
