I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
