I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
