Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
