wakey wakey hands off snakey
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
