filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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