You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
