well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
