took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
