YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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