NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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