Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Randomize
