Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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