How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
