the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
