we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
