idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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