They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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